Better Off
by katos
Summary: Dr Reid confronts his demons and reconnects with a childhood friend as the team heads Las vegas to investigate a killer who is preying on the mentally ill


_Better Off_

"Great wits are sure to madness near allied - And thin partitions do their bounds divide"-John Dryden

"Wheels up in 30." Hotch said hurrying through the bull pin

"What's up?" Morgan asked fishing under his desk for his go bag.

"The Las Vegas Police Head Quarters just requested our help with a serial who's already killed ten victims. JJ will brief us all on the plane."

~*~

An hour later on the plane the entire team were in their usual seats each pouring over a copy of the case file. JJ launched into an explanation of what they were flying into.

"The Las Vegas Police Head Quarters requested our help with a series of murders that have taken place over the past 2 years with the last five occurring within the past two months. The bodies have been found in public areas have been spread over the state with the most recent clustered in this area." She motioned to a cluster of red dots on the map. "It appears each victim was incapacitated with a large dose of halidol before the un sub slit their throat and left them to bleed to death."

"Halidol is a drug commonly used in hospitals or institutions to subdue violent or actively psychotic patients. It has an almost immediate narcotizing effect." Reid volunteered.

"Do we know why it took them so long to recognize that this was a serial?" Rossi asked.

"Initially there were no discernable similarities between the victims. They are different ages, different ethnicities, all had different occupations, and none of them appeared to have known each other. Also until recently the murders have been widely spread out." JJ explained.

"Initially, have they found a connection between the victims?" Prentiss asked looking up from the file in her hands.

"It appears that all of the victims were being medicated for some form of debilitating mental illness." JJ continued holding up a list of victims names with a list of diagnoses and medications next to them.

"We need to cross reference a list of employees at all of the treatment facilities that each of the victims was treated at and see if any of the same people worked at all of them." Hotch said pulling out his phone and dialing Garcia's number.

"Electronic maven eagerly awaits her next quest." Garcia answered in her characteristically cheery tone.

"Garcia I need you to cross reference all of our victims' psychiatric and psychological treatment facilities and see if any of the same people worked at all or most of them."

"Will do, my liege." Garcia said already pulling up the registry of psychiatric treatment facilities in the state of Nevada as she hung up the phone.

"Do you think that we're dealing with an 'Angel of Mercy' killer?" Rossi asked.

"I think it's very likely that we are." Hotch answered.

"That makes sense." Prentiss added pointing to one of the crime scene photos. "Look at the wound patterns. There is very little bruising around the injection sight. Even the cuts on the neck are small and precise. There's almost no over kill. It's likely our un sub has at least some medical training."

"That's consistent with what the police found. The ME said that the neck wounds were probably made by a surgical scalpel and that the un sub punctured the artery with the first stroke." JJ added.

"Look at the way all of the arterial spray is located low on the wall indicating that the victims weren't cut until they were completely subdued. Its possible that the un sub is small in stature or handicapped in some way, something that would prevent him from attempting to physically over power his victim." Morgan said looking over the crime scene photos.

"It's also interesting to note that the first five victims were all suffering from bipolar depression and were killed in or around their homes. The most recent victims have suffered from depression, mania, schizophrenia, and were killed in much more public places." Reid observed.

"Something happened that prompted the un sub to change his pattern." Rossi said.

"Exactly, initially they seem to have been carefully selected to fit a specific need and the un sub had at least a cursory familiarity with their homes. Then the selection becomes less specific, almost random and the killings become increasingly risky."

"Right, we need to figure out what prompted the change." Hotch said. "When we land Reid and Morgan go to the morgue and see if you can learn anything else from the most recent victim's remains. Prentiss and Rossi go and see if you can find out anything by interviewing the latest victim's families. JJ and I will go to the station and get set up and start working victimology."

~*~

About an hour later in the county morgue Morgan and Reid stood looking down at the body of Annette Fisher. She was a 40 year old mother of two who had just been released from her third stay in the hospital after her 3rd suicide attempt prompted by delusions that were related to her schizophrenia.

"This poor lady was just starting to get her life back together." Morgan said as he read through her file again.

"Statistically the strongest predictor of successful suicide is the number and severity of previous attempts." Reid said using a gloved hand to turn out Annette's wrist revealing collection of old and new jagged vertical scars. "Schizophrenia is a lifelong debilitating illness and judging by these her next attempt would likely have been her last." His voice trailed off a bit and he seemed to be talking more to himself than to Morgan. Reid straightened up and paused for a second staring into Annette's unseeing eyes.

"Reid." Morgan said noticing his friends overly controlled voice and stiff posture "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am." Reid answered shortly snapping off his gloves and disposing of them. "Why wouldn't I be?" He asked tucking his hair behind his ears as he always did when he was uncomfortable. Morgan was on the verge of saying more when they were interrupted by a petite woman in a white lab coat. She had long curly black hair that was tied into a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck and big brown eyes that seemed somehow sad even as she smiled.

"Do you need anything else?" She asked then seeing Reid her whole countenance seemed to change "Spencer?!" She said in disbelief.

"Ally?" He questioned as she practically tackled him with a hug.

"Oh my God. What are you doing here?" She asked stepping away from him but keeping her hands on his arms for a second and looking at him as though she couldn't believe he was real.

"I'm here on a case." Reid said proudly fishing his badge out of his pocket and showing it to her.

"You're with the FBI? That's great, just like you always wanted."

"What are you doing here?" Reid asked glancing around the morgue.

"I'm the assistant ME." Ally said proudly twirling around to show off her lab coat. "It's so good to see you. It's been, what, 13 years?"

"16." Reid corrected genially. He and Ally stood in silence for a second before Reid remembered where he was and that Morgan had no idea what was going on.

"Sorry, Morgan, this is Ally Jones. She was my neighbor growing up and I went to school with her brother. Ally this is Special Agent Morgan."

"Nice to meet you." Morgan said with a wide smile as he reached forward and shook Ally's hand.

"You too. Its actually Ally Brooks now." She said and at the frown that crossed Reid's face as he stole a glance at her bare ring finger she added. "I took my mom's maiden name." Morgan couldn't help but chuckle at Reid's relieved expression.

"We should probably go meet up with the rest of the team."

"Oh right." Reid said "I'm sorry we have to go." He continued looking genuinely contrite. Morgan stepped out in the hallway giving them a moment to talk.

"Call me." She said scribbling her cell number on the back of a business card. "If you're going to be in town for a few days we can catch up over dinner."

"Thanks, I will." Reid said taking the card and hurrying after Morgan.

Later in the car Morgan could not help but chuckle to himself.

"What?" Reid asked in response to the laugh.

"You are the only guy I know that could pick up a girl over a corpse."

"Pick up? What, no…I didn't. Ally's just an old friend." Reid stammered.

"Okay, Romeo." Morgan said with a grin.

"I went to school with her brother. I haven't seen her since we were kids." Reid said as if that settled everything. Morgan raised his eyebrows clearly not convinced but he let it drop and they drove in silence for a minute.

"Do you really think she liked me?" Reid asked breaking the silence and Morgan couldn't help but laugh. Reid looked a little disappointed.

"Kid, I thought I was going to have to give you two a minute alone right there in the morgue." At this Reid looked slightly heartened and tucked the number protectively in his shirt pocket.

~*~

By the time Morgan and Reid arrived back at the Las Vegas Police Head Quarters the rest of the team was assembled in the conference room with Detective Browning, the cop who had originally caught the case. Two white boards displayed pictures of the victims and map marked with the locations of each of the crime scene. They each took a seat as Hotch hung up with Garcia.

"Apparently no employees have worked at all three of the facilities that treated the victims." Hotch informed the room at large.

"We did find one other similarity between the victims. They all have at least one child under the age of 18 who lived with them." JJ said as she stood to add that fact to the list along the edge of the white board.

"It is possible that the unsub's objective may have been protecting the children rather than sparing the victim." Rossi added.

"Prentiss was right about the precision of the wounds." Morgan added getting to his feet and walking to the board containing the crime scene photographs. "The wounds on the throats of each victim are positioned severe the carotid artery and there is almost no over kill."

"Our un sub is controlled and has some level of medical training." Hotch summarized and then turned to Prentiss. "Were the victims' families able to be any help?"

"The last victim's family confirmed that the victim had been released from the hospital 2 days prior to being attacked and had mostly been at home except for a trip to the hospital pharmacy to have prescriptions refilled the day she died. Unfortunately the other victim's children were either already living out of state with relatives or were too young to be able to contribute much."

"Maybe we're thinking about this the wrong way." Reid said getting to his feet and crossing the room to the map. "Who else would have access to information that would let them know someone was mentally ill?"

"Social workers" JJ volunteered.

"Pharmacists or pharmacy technicians." Rossi said realization dawning on him. "they don't have access to medical records but they could easily learn about someone's condition through their medications."

"See how the killings are all clustered around these shopping centers all of which have pharmacy in them and the most recent have all been with in a 1 mile radius around the hospital that the latest victim went to get her prescription filled." Reid said indicating the three areas on the map.

"I'll have Garcia see if anyone has worked at all three of these pharmacy locations." Hotch said and then he turned to Det. Browning. "If you'll assemble your men, I think we're ready to present a profile."

~*~

Once all of the agents had gotten situated in the main room Hotchner made the introductions and then handed the floor over to Rossi.

"The un sub we're looking for is most likely white, between the ages of 30 and 45 and while it is possible that it is a male who is small in stature, it is more likely a woman."

"The type if killer we're dealing with is what is known as an 'Angel of Mercy' killer. She most likely works in a helping profession that has exposed her to a great deal of trauma and pain. It is likely that she views killing these people as a way to spare others and herself from pain." Reid elaborated.

"Because this un-sub targets the mentally ill and specifically those with children, we believe that she had family member or other type of dependent with a mental illness whom she cared for for an extended period of time" Prentiss said. "It is likely that she felt that this relationship robbed her of her independence or youth and is trying to prevent the victim's children from suffering a similar fate."

"So she's doing them a favor?" One of the officers asked skeptically.

"She believes she is" Prentiss continued "but it's deeper than that she feels as though she is sparing these children from a situation that she wished someone had spared her from. She's carrying out what she feels her care taker failed to do."

"The un sub likely lives alone but will have social relationships. She will appear to be normal and kind, maybe even overly so." Morgan said

After they completed the profile the team allowed time for questions and encouraged the agents to place extra security in the and around the hospital that the last victim had visited before her death. They also forwarded a copy of the profile to all of the staff at psychiatric programs in the area and urged them to report anyone who seemed suspicious.

"Unfortunately there really is not a lot that we can do until we hear back from Garcia." Hotch said as he packed up his stuff. "Everyone go get a good night's sleep and we'll meet back here in the morning." He turned and headed out the door.

"So are you going to call her?" Morgan asked leaning against the table next to Reid as he finished packing his satchel.

"Her?" JJ asked leaning in interestedly "Her, who?"

"No one." Reid answered quickly.

"Reid has a lady friend." Morgan said with a sly smile.

"Lady friend. Good for you." Prentiss said joining the conversation.

"What's her name?" JJ asked.

"Ally." Morgan answered before Reid could protest.

"She is not a 'lady friend.' Well technically she is a lady and she is my friend but…never mind. She's just an old friend who suggested we catch up." Reid said obviously getting flustered. JJ and Prentiss exchanged looks of mock surprise.

"Well, kid, have fun catching up." Morgan said patting Reid on the shoulder. JJ stifled a laugh as she and Morgan headed for the door.

"Seriously, Reid" Prentiss paused on the way out the door "She's lucky to have you. Have fun." She said with a maternal smile.

Reid smiled to himself and slung his satchel over his shoulder and headed out the door.

~*~

"Show me again." Ally said with a smile as Reid once again made a sugar packet disappear and then pulled it from behind her ear. "Your magic certainly has improved. Do you remember the time you tried to make me disappear?"

"I still maintain that should have worked." Reid said starting to laugh. They had been sitting at table in the back of the small dinner for almost an hour after they had finished their food and neither one of them had made a move to leave. They had covered all of the small talk topics from weather to apartments and were now getting dangerously close to the questions that they both wanted to ask but neither wanted to answer.

Reid took a long sip of his coffee and then asked "So where did you disappear to when we were kids? You were there one day and then the next day you were gone."

Ally stared at him for a second and then sighed as though she were about to plunge under water.

"You remember how my dad was… unpredictable?" She started. Reid nodded, more than once he had seen Ally's dad yell at her without provocation or had noticed bruises she couldn't explain. "Well the night we left he had packed everything he could in our van and told us that we were going to California to make it big. And that was that. He loaded us in the car and we left. Once we got there dad went into one of his depressions and did nothing but sleep and drink."

"Ally, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Ally said a sudden edge to her voice. "Eventually social services found us and put me and Jeff in foster care and my dad in a hospital."

"How's Jeff doing?" Reid asked. At this question Ally's eyes filled with tears. Without really thinking about it Reid reached across the table and took her hand in his.

"He never really got over the move and dad getting put in the hospital. When he turned 18 he got some shit job so that I could come live with him and he went to see dad every day. Jeff kept it together as long as he could, I think mainly for my sake, but eventually he couldn't take it any more and he hung himself." Tears spilled down her cheeks as she spoke "Dad was always really hard on him especially when he had his mood swings. I begged Jeff to stop visiting him, but he said that dad was sick and that we owed it to him." She spat the last words out and pulled her hand away.

She wiped her face and forced a smile. "Not exactly the cheery reunion you had in mind."

"I'm sorry to hear about Jeff but I'm glad you told me."

"You were always the only person that I could talk to about this stuff. No matter how bad things got you always made me feel safe." She said weaving her fingers through his as she took his hand again. They sat in silence for a moment neither one quite sure what to do with the sudden intimacy or tension of the conversation. One of the waiters at the dinner pointedly started to mop the floor beside their booth.

"We should probably get out of here." Reid said reluctantly breaking the silence.

~*~

Later in the car Ally stared out the passenger side window as they drove through the cool dessert night.

"I've always felt guilty about leaving you alone." She said after a long silence.

"What do you mean?" Spencer asked.

"Your dad had just left and your mom was a mess. It can't have been easy for you either." She turned and faced him. Reid continued to stare determinedly at the road.

"We managed all right." Reid answered keeping his voice as nonchalant as possible.

"Spence, please, it's me." Ally said refusing to let him off the hook that easily.

"What do you want me to say?" He asked as he pulled up to the curb outside of her house.

"I just want you to tell me the truth." Ally said her voice rising.

"You want to hear about how my dad never contacted me again, how half the time my mom didn't even notice when I came home, how if I didn't cook we wouldn't eat, how lonely it felt to be six years younger than my classmates, how it felt to constantly be the freak?" Reid said his voice and hands shaking with all the things he never wanted to tell anyone.

Ally reached across the distance between them pulling him to her in a tight hug. Reid was momentarily stunned but then he wrapped his arms around her pulling her closer.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." She mumbled against her neck. He pulled away slightly taking her face in his hands.

"I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe." He said and her eyes filled with tears again. She leaned forward and kissed him gently. She half expected him to pull away but he didn't, instead he kissed her back hungrily. She slid across the space between the seats her hands exploring every inch of him that she could reach. After banging her hip against the gear shift Ally pulled back.

"Do you want to come in?" She asked trying to catch her breath. Reid hesitated.

"I have to meet the team really early." He answered guiltily.

"It's okay." She said kissing him again. "I'll take a rain check." She slid off of his lap and climbed out of the car.

"Look at us." She said leaning back in the window of the car "both doctors. I think we turned out all right. We're better off without them."

"Who?" Reid asked confused.

"Never mind, good night, Spencer." She said turning to walk away.

"Good night, Ally." Reid answered as he put the car back in drive. He drove into the night feeling happy, confused, and exhausted. He hadn't meant to open up that much about the past but it felt unfair not to after she had told him about Jeff.

He felt a twist of sadness thinking about Jeff feeling so desperate and isolated. Jeff had been one of the first people to be nice to Reid in high school. They had been assigned to work together as partners on a project in English and Jeff hadn't complained at all about being paired with someone so young. He was extremely quiet and didn't have many friends because he mostly kept to himself.

Reid had gone over to Jeff's house to work on the project and that had been when he had first met Ally. She was the same age as Reid and was very impressed by his magic tricks and had had an almost constant supply of stories to tell him. After that the two of them had been inseparable until the morning that Reid had gone over to her house and found it empty with a sold sign in the front lawn.

"It's good to have her back." Reid thought as he settled into the bed in his hotel room. For the first time in a long time his mind was quiet and he fell almost instantly asleep.

~*~

At 5:00 am Reid was jolted awake by the sound of his cell phone ringing and trying buzz off the edge of the nightstand. He flipped it open pushing his hair out of his face and trying to shake away the remnants of sleep.

"Hello." He answered his voice still raspy.

"Reid, there's been another victim." Hotch informed him. "We're meeting in the lobby in thirty to go to the crime scene."

"I'll be right there." Reid clicked the phone shut and then hurriedly showered and dressed and met the rest of the sleep deprived BAU team in the lobby.

~*~

By the time they reached the crime scene it was already crowded with cops and crime scene investigators. They were greeted almost immediately by Det. Browning.

"The body was found about 10 feet from where we're standing in the hospital loading dock. There isn't much delivery traffic this time of night. This alley we're standing in is used primarily just for delivery trucks but gets some foot traffic from staff members walking to the bus stop at the end of shifts." He explained.

"There are drag marks here." Morgan said kneeling down and pointing to some long treads in the mud.

"So our unsub drug the victim from a well lit bus stop back into the loading bay before she was completely sedated. Why?" Reid asked thinking out loud.

"He's getting sloppy or over confident." Prentiss suggested.

"Or this victim held some sort of appeal that made the extra effort worth it." Reid offered.

"What do we know about the victim?" Rossi asked Agent Browning.

"Her name is Sandra O' Connor." Browning answered flipping open his notebook. "She's a 35 year old woman who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. She had been released from the hospital a week long stay in the hospital. She has a 7 year old son who lives with the victim and her mother."

"That's a pretty detailed history." Hotch commented.

"The nurse who found the victim knew her from her time in the hospital." Browning explained.

"I'd like to speak with her." J.J. said.

"She's right over there." Browning said pointing to an ambulance parked on the street. "She's pretty shook up."

JJ nodded and she and Morgan walked over to interview her.

"I'd like to take a look at the body." Reid said.

"Right this way." Browning said leading Reid and Hotch over to the corner of the loading bay where the body lay. "They waited until you guys got here to move anything." Browning pulled back the tarp that had been draped over the body.

On the ground lay a woman staring blindly up at the stars. Her short blond hair was matted with blood. In the puddle around her lay the scattered contents of her purse and prescription bottle.

Reid swallowed hard willing his hands to stop shaking as he pulled on a pair of latex gloves. This woman's resemblance to his mother was unsettlingly striking. Hotch eyed him questioningly when he hesitated.

"I'm fine." Reid said firmly willing it to be true. "There's something in her hand." He crouched down and beside the body and gently bent her fingers back revealing a photo of a young boy and a handwritten note. He unfolded the note and read it aloud.

"You should be thanking me."

"The photo appears to be of the victim's son." Hotch said holding up the victim's wallet in a gloved hand. It contained several pictures of the same little boy.

"The un sub may have been using the picture as a way of addressing the note to the victim's son, telling him that he's better off." _Like you would have been_ some mutinous part of Reid's mind added.

He felt a surge of bile rise in his throat and got hastily to his feet. He took a few hurried steps away and dry heaved as his empty stomach tried to turn itself inside out. He had never vomited at a crime scene, not even as a rookie. He ripped off his bloody gloves and let them fall to the ground.

Hotch startled but not completely surprised by Reid's sudden lack of composure walked over to join him, waving Browning off as he went. He had thought that this case might be getting to Reid more than he was letting on.

"Hotch, I'm sorry." Reid said feeling a wave shame wash over him. "I thought I could handle this."

"You have nothing to apologize for. This hits closer to home than anyone should be asked to handle. I need you to tell me if you need to sit this one out."

"You need me here." Reid said cursing his own weakness.

"I need you focused and you can't do that right now. Why don't you take some time and go clear your head. We'll meet you back at the head quarters this afternoon, unless you need more time."

Reid nodded and felt a fresh surge of embarrassment as he walked past his colleagues. As much as he wanted to he couldn't talk to them about this, not if he wanted to stay on the case. They all watched him leave clearly wondering what was going on except for JJ whose understanding expression was even worse.

~*~

On the drive back Reid kept replaying that one horrifying thought over and over in his head. Was there really some part of him that thought he would have been better off without his mother?

He thought of nights coming home to find his mom holed up in her study with her books outlining themes that didn't exist having completely forgotten about him. He thought of his desperate attempts to get her to remember to eat or buy groceries or take her meds. He thought of his dad's defeated face as he walked out the door. She was sick; it wasn't her fault he reminded himself firmly.

He drove past the exit for the hotel; the last thing he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts.

He drove straight to Ally's house. He knew that this was probably a bad idea. They barely knew each other now but he needed to talk to someone and there was no one else. He needed his old friend; he needed to be close to her. He needed her to remind him that he wasn't a bad person.

"Spence, what's wrong?" Ally asked answering the door in a tank top and sleeping shorts. Reid couldn't answer her. She had already seen so much ugliness in her life he didn't want to add his own demons to the mix. Instead he stepped forward and kissed her hard backing her against the door as it swung inwards. She hesitated for a moment out of sheer surprise, but then she kissed him back pressing her body against his. She pulled at the fabric of his shirt fumbling to find the buttons. His hand slid the waist band of her shorts lower on her hips.

"Wait." She mumbled against his mouth as she kicked the door closed. He pulled her to him again kissing her neck. They stumbled backwards towards the couch pulling at each others clothing desperate to stay as close as possible.

~*~

"You know I've wanted to do that with you since I learned what sex was." Ally said resting her chin on his chest as they lay on the couch.

"No way." Reid said with an incredulous smile.

"Oh yeah, you were the first boy I ever liked and the standard all the subsequent losers failed to live up to." Ally said looking away from him.

Reid kissed the top of her head breathing in the smell of her curls and pulled her protectively a little closer to him.

"I had no idea. I always assumed you were way out of my league."

"You don't give yourself enough credit." She looked up and kissed him on the mouth savoring the way he tasted and the way he looked at her. "Guess I won't need that rain check. Do you want coffee?" She asked getting up and picking his shirt up off the floor and slipping it on.

"Yeah that would be great." Reid said finding his pants in the pile of clothes on the floor and putting them back on. Ally returned with two steaming mugs and taking a seat beside him. She turned to face him with her best sympathetic face; Reid couldn't help but think that it must be the face she used when she had to tell people that their loved ones were dead.

"Okay Spence, you've stalled long enough, not that I mind, but seriously what's wrong?"

Reid thought for a second about denying, evading, or even just leaving but he knew that none of these things were really on option at this point.

"It's the case we're working on."

"What about it?"

"Well the killer is murdering parents who are mentally ill and it looks like he's doing it out of some twisted attempt to protect their children." At this Ally's face contorted slightly.

"I'm sorry." Reid said hurriedly "You don't need to hear this."

Ally laid a reassuring hand on his arm. "Its okay, you can tell me. I'm fine."

Reid stared at her for a long moment trying to decide if she was telling the truth. Her earnest brown eyes convinced him that she was and selfishly he was really enjoying having someone outside of work to talk to about this.

"There was another victim last night."

"I heard about that. I'm supposed to go in and do the autopsy later today. What about her?"

"She looked a lot like…more than a lot, eerily like my mom. It was all I could think about. I couldn't focus on anything at the scene and this time the killer left a note. It said 'You should be thanking me.' I think it was meant for the victim's son." Reid said all this in a rush focusing on keeping his voice even. "Even while I was standing there looking down at this woman's body I couldn't help but think that maybe the killer was right." Reid paused half expecting Ally to gasp in horror or slap him, when she didn't he got to his feet and started pacing as he continued. "I mean, I love my mom but I couldn't help thinking how different my life would have been without her."

"Reid, I think that's a perfectly normal reaction." Ally said in her most soothing voice.

"Don't do that." Reid said bristling instantly. "Don't make excuses for me. I swore to myself that I would never hold it against her. I promised myself that I would never simply discard her like some problem that was weighing me down. I wouldn't be weak like my father."

"You could never do that. You're nothing him like him." Ally said getting to her feet.

"Oh really, How would you know? You haven't seen me in 16 years and the first real conversation we have I'm telling you that I sympathize with a murderer. How do you know that I'm not worse?" Spencer asked the sarcasm in his voice covering a desperate need for her to answer.

"Because I know you, Spence." Ally said her voice rising. Reid rolled his eyes and started to step away from her but she reached out grabbing his arm forcing him to look at her. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you that thinking that makes you a horrible person? That you should hate yourself for feeling that way?" Ally was yelling in earnest now her eyes brimming with tears. "I won't do that! That's exactly the kind of thinking that got Jeff killed."

Reid took a step closer wrapping his arms around her as she started to sob; the anger that had flared so quickly inside him melting into shame.

"Ally, I'm so sorry. I didn't think…" He mumbled against her hair. She cried against his shoulder for a minute before pulling herself together and looking up at him.

"I just want you to know that it's not a sin to want a normal childhood and that expressing hurt about how your mom acted doesn't mean that you don't love her. No matter how much you sympathize with or understand this killer you're nothing like her. You could never do what she's done."

"Thank you." Reid said wiping the tears off her cheek "besides, normal has never really been my thing." Ally smiled as he leaned forward and kissed her gently. She kissed him back more insistently. Just as she started to undo his fly his phone vibrated in his pocket.

"Is that your phone or are things about to get a lot more interesting." She said with a laugh.

"Yes, uh hello." Reid said awkwardly disentangling himself to answer it. He listened for a second and then said. "I'll be right there." He hung up and turned back to Ally. "I'm sorry but I have to go back to work."

Ally looked more than a little disappointed. "I should probably start getting ready to go in too." She said as Reid started collecting his clothes and belongings up off the floor.

"I'll call you." Reid promised.

"You better." Ally said pulling him roughly to her and kissing him hard enough that he almost forgot what he did for a living.

"I really have to go." He said taking a step away and tucking his hair behind his ear as he struggled to catch his breath. He made a quick sweep of the room to make sure and headed for the door.

"Spence." Ally called when he was almost outside. "Don't you need this?" She stripped off his shirt and tossed it to him.

"Yeah, thanks." He slipped it on and winced at how lame that sounded.

"Anytime." Ally called after him.

~*~

"We have a suspect in custody?" Reid asked as he joined Prentiss and Morgan in the conference room. They both looked up from the files that were spread over the conference table. They were working victimology, hoping to find something they had missed.

"Yeah, Hotch is talking to him right now." Morgan answered.

"You okay?" Prentiss asked clearly referring to his disappearing act this morning.

"I'm fine." He answered dismissively. "What can I do?"

"Hotch asked if you could analyze the handwriting of the note, see if it could add anything to the profile."

"Right." Reid said picking up the evidence bag that contained to the note and heading off to find a scanner.

"He seem okay to you?" Morgan asked after Reid had left the room.

"No, but I mean that's not totally surprising. This had got to be stirring up a bunch of stuff for him and running into a childhood friend can't make it any easier to keep things in perspective." Prentiss answered.

"I just wish he would talk about it." Morgan said looking at the door Reid had just walked out of.

"He will when he's ready." Prentiss said following his gaze.

"I know he just makes me nervous when he gets like this."

"I know what you mean."

~*~

"Look, man, I don't know anything about these people getting killed." Stan Ryan said pulling back startled by the crime scene photos Hotchner had spread out in front of him.

Stan was a short and rather round pharmacy technician who had worked at one of the pharmacies near were the bodies had been found and had been working in the hospital pharmacy the night Sandra O'Connor had been killed. He had clocked out minutes before the estimated time of death.

"So you don't think that her son is better off without her?" Hotch said pointing to the folded picture of Sandra's son that lay on the table in an evidence bag.

"Christ, she has a kid?" Stan stammered looking between the horrific picture of Sandra's body and her son's smiling face. He had a sister who suffered from schizophrenia that had lived with him until she had gone off her medication and become homeless.

"…had a kid." Hotch corrected. "thanks to you her son will have to grow up with out her. Or was that what you were counting on: him not being burdened by his crazy mother?"

"Don't use that word!" Stan stated vehemently. "Family is never a burden. I would never do this!" He yelled dissolving into tears.

Hotch watched him for a second and then crossed the room stepping out into the hallway outside of the interrogation room.

"He's not our guy." Rossi, who had been watching through a two way mirror said once Hotch had closed the door.

"No." Hotch agreed. "He hasn't offered a single justification for the killings. Our un sub believes that they are categorically in the right and would be desperate to explain their actions."

~*~

"Interesting." Reid said further magnifying one of the scanned images on his laptop.

"What?" Morgan asked looking up.

"Do you see how the ink blots periodically along the lines of the letters." Reid said pointing to the screen.

"Yeah."

"That's very common in forgeries. It indicates that writer is pausing, typically in an attempt to imitate someone else's handwriting." Reid explained.

"Why would our un sub be trying to imitate someone else's handwriting?"

"Possibly to frame someone else." Prentiss volunteered.

"Possibly." Reid said clearly deep in thought. "The weird thing is that the handwriting looks familiar."

"Familiar how?" Morgan asked.

"I don't know. I know that I have seen it somewhere before I just can't remember where."

They sat in silence for a minute, Prentiss and Morgan both turning their attention back to the files in front of them.

"I need to check something." Reid said getting to his feet suddenly and hurrying out of the room.

Prentiss and Morgan both looked after him perplexed.

~*~

"C'mon, c'mon." Reid said pushing the elevator button again impatiently. When it finally opened he hurried inside and pushed the button for the basement where evidence was archived.

"I need to see everything that you have on Jeff Brooks' suicide." Reid said almost before he was off the elevator. The clerk manning the evidence desk looked more than a little taken aback. Reid flashed his credentials and added. "Please, it would have been about 2 years ago."

"Ah, here we go." The clerk said after punching a few keys on the keyboard. "I'll be right back." She turned around and disappeared into the recesses of shelf after shelf of file boxes.

It took her about 10 minutes to find the right box. Reid almost screamed in frustration as she slowly fumbled with the sign out log. He scrawled his signature and she finally handed over the box. He carried it to a nearby table and pried off the lid. It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for, Jeff's suicide note. It was addressed to Ally and written on a torn off back of a spiral notebook. Reid laid it flat and pulled one of the print outs of the un sub's note from his satchel. His trained eye easily picked out the matching markers. It was the same handwriting, or at least the un sub wanted him to think it was the same.

A nauseatingly repellant idea began to form in Reid's mind. He hastily handed the box back to the clerk and started pounding the elevator button again.

"Find what you were looking for?" The clerk asked clearly fed up with this impatient young FBI agent.

"I hope not." Reid said as the elevator doors opened and he disappeared inside.

~*~

The whole BAU team, apart from Reid, was gathered back in the conference room. They hadn't been all that hopeful that Stan Ryans was their un sub, but his release had still had a discouraging effect.

The phone in the conference room rang and Prentiss who was closest answered it. After listening for a second she said "Garcia, I'm going to put you on speaker phone."

"What did you find?" Hotch asked once the call had been transferred.

"Remember how you asked me to see if anyone had worked at all three of the hospitals that had treated the victims?"

"Yes."

"Well, when I checked the list of employees by name I didn't find any but I decided to run social security numbers just in case I'd missed anyone and I found one. Ally Brooks formerly Ally Jones. She didn't show up on my original check because of the name change." Garcia said unable to keep the air of triumph out of her voice.

"The assistant M.E.?" JJ questioned.

"Yes." Garcia answered. "Apparently she was an intern at the first hospital, a resident at the second, and now she works with the medical examiners office which is run out of the morgue of the hospital that treated the most recent victims. I'm sending you her picture now." The picture came up on the computer screen and Morgan got hurriedly to his feet.

"That's Reid's friend." Morgan said startled.

"Where is Reid now?" Hotch asked pulling on his jacket.

"He said he thought he recognized the handwriting and then took off." Morgan answered.

"He's not answering his cell." JJ said as Reid's phone went to voice mail.

"Garcia, we need an address for Ally Brooks." Hotch instructed.

"Already on its way. Is Reid okay?"

"I hope so. Good work, Garcia." Hotch said hanging up as soon as the address appeared on the screen. "We need to split up. Rossi take JJ and Morgan and check her house. Prentiss and I will go to the morgue."

~*~

Reid walked down the long hallway towards the morgue. His head spinning slightly as all of the pieces began to fall into place. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he ignored it. He couldn't admit to the team how stupid he had been until he knew for sure.

He took a deep steadying breath and pushed open the door to the morgue. Ally looked up startled to see him. She had just completed the y-incision on the autopsy of the latest victim. She set the bone saw down on a tray of instruments and pulled off her gloves tossing them into the trash.

"Spence, I'm not done yet. I'll send you over whatever I find. You don't need to see this." She said taking a step towards him.

"Where did you go last night?" Reid asked unable to tear his eyes away from the body on the table.

"Go? I went home. You dropped me off." Ally answered looking confused. Reid finally looked up at her.

"Remember the note that I told you the killer left at the last crime scene?"

"What about it?" Ally asked taking another step closer to him.

"It was in Jeff's handwriting." Reid said his face begging her to offer a plausible explanation. Instead she turned and crossed back to the body exhaling audibly.

"Reid, Jeff is dead." She said without turning around.

"I know that. The note was written by some one imitating Jeff's handwriting." Reid said dreading her response.

"I wondered how long it would take you to put that together." Ally turned back to face him, everything about her seemed harder and sharper. "This is a little faster than I expected but you always were good at exceeding my expectations."

"How could you do this?" Reid asked grabbing her by the shoulders as if he could somehow shake it out of her.

"I'm helping them!" Ally yelled. "Now none of those kids will ever have to go through the hell we went through. None of them will end up like Jeff. I'm making their lives better. I know you understand." Her voice broke with desperation tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. Reid looked at her with a look of pure revulsion. She reached out and touched his face to bring him back to her but he flinched away.

"Don't touch me." He looked at her for a long moment sadness replacing anger. "It's over, Ally."

"No, Spence, please you have to understand." She said dissolving into tears. Without thinking Reid took a step towards her extending and arm to comfort her, for a second she looked like the little girl he had grown up with again.

Ally reacted quickly, pulling out a scalpel she had hidden in her pocket when he had walked into the morgue. She plunged it into his stomach, pulling it up hard before jerking it out. Reid staggered backwards crashing into the tray of equipment as he fell to the ground, blood oozing out of the wound even as he tried to put pressure on the wound with his hand. He pushed himself up against the refrigerated drawers into a semi-seated position letting out a strangled gasp of pain as he did.

Ally was on him quickly pulling his gun from its holster and sliding it across the floor. She was sobbing in earnest as she raised the scalpel again. "I can't let you stop me."

"Why?" Reid asked trying to stay focused even as his blood pooled on the floor.

"Because someone has to continue my work. Someone has to keep the children safe. I can't ever stop. Not even for you." She leaned forward and kissed him softly before pressing the scalpel against his neck preparing to slit his throat.

A loud bang shattered the silence and Ally was hurtled backwards blood spilling from a gunshot wound in her shoulder. Hotch and Prentiss stood in the doorway of the morgue, Prentiss' gun still smoking from her last shot. She hurriedly crossed to Ally rolling her over and cuffing her. Hotch crossed to Reid pressing his hands firmly against the wound in his stomach.

"Reid, hang in there. You're going to be okay." Hotch said pulling a hand away to dial his phone. "This is Special Agent Hotchner with the FBI. I have an agent down and need immediate medical assistance."

~*~

Reid woke with a start, trying to sit up and gasping as fresh pain shot through his abdomen. He tried desperately to make sense of his unfamiliar surroundings.

"Reid, it's okay. Don't try to get up. You're in the hospital." Hotch urged

putting a hand on Reid's shoulder and easing him back against the pillow.

"What happened?" Reid asked still trying to clear away the fog of grogginess.

"You lost a lot of blood and suffered some fairly severe internal injuries but the doctors said that you're lucky. Your liver wasn't damaged and you should be fit for duty in about a month."

"Hotch, I'm so sorry." Reid said the full weight of what he had done crashing down on him. "I don't know how I could have been so stupid."

"Confronting the un sub by your self and keeping information from the rest of the team were both bad decisions, almost fatally so, and they can never happen again." Hotch said in the military tone he always adopted whenever any of the team really screwed up.

"I'm not fired?" Reid questioned feeling a surge of relief.

Hotch let him sweat for a second and then said "No, you're not fired." Then his face softened "Why did you think you had to do this alone?"

Reid looked away trying to form what he had been feeling into words. "I just couldn't admit how much I understood what the un sub was trying to do." He finally said. "And it was the first time that I've ever really had some one outside of work to talk to. I know this isn't fair but it was nice to have some one just care about me not how much what I was feeling would effect my job performance. I know that I should have figured it out sooner…people are dead because I couldn't see what was right in front of me." They were both silent for a long moment in which Reid picked at the tape holding his IV in place. He ached all over and he really wished that Hotch would just say something.

"Reid, I owe you an apology." Hotch said. "I knew that this case was getting to you and I should have pulled you off of it but I was afraid we couldn't solve this without you. I let my desire for a solution cloud my judgment. I used you and I'm sorry."

"That's the job." Reid said unsure of how to respond.

"It is." Hotch responded matter-of-factly "but sometimes we all have to walk away from a case and I need you to know that the next time I think you need to do that I will pull you. Not because I think that you're weak or because it might affect your work but because your safety and the safety of the team are my responsibility and I won't let something like this happen again."

Reid was both touched and annoyed by this sentiment. There was another slightly awkward silence.

"What happened to Al…the un sub?" Reid asked after a moment. Hotch looked away for a second and it was clear that he had been dreading this question.

"She was treated for her injuries and then taken into custody to await arraignment. Shortly after being incarcerated she hung herself."

Despite everything that had happened Reid felt tears flood his eyes. He blinked rapidly and swallowed hard.

"They found this in her cell." Hotch said pulling an envelope out of his suit pocket, _Spencer_ was written across the front of it. He placed it on the bedside table. "It's already been checked for evidence so it is yours to do with as you choose."

"Thanks." Reid said pulling himself together. There was a knock at the door and a nurse poked her head into the room.

"You have a visitor if you're up to it." She said. Reid nodded and she stepped back out of the room.

"We'll see you back in DC as soon as you're well enough to be moved." Hotch said standing to leave.

"Hotch?" Reid asked cutting his eyes toward his IV.

"I told them that you wouldn't want any narcotics." Hotch answered nodding in understanding.

"Thanks." Reid said groaning as he tried to shift into a more comfortable position "I think."

Hotch left the as Reid's mom entered the room.

"Mom?" Reid said with a surprised smile.

"Spencer, they let me come when your boss called and told me what had happened. They won't let me stay long of course because hospitals make me so nervous." She said as she crossed the room perching on the edge of his bed and dropping her bag on the floor. "You have got to be more careful." She pushed his hair off of his face and fussed with his pillow. "And you need a hair cut."

"Mom, thanks for coming." He said taking her hand to get her to stop fussing over him.

"Of course I came. Did you think I would leave you here alone?" She said patting his hand.

"What's in the bag?"

"Books, I thought that you would be bored and I didn't want you to have to read the drivel they have in these places." She pulled out a copy of _Sir Gawain and the Green Knight_ and settled down in the chair beside his bed. "This was always one of your favorites." She said cracking the well worn book and preparing to start.

"Mom." Reid said.

"Yes, Spencer."

"I love you."

"I love you too." She said with a smile as she launched into the many adventures of Sir Gawain.

~*~

_Spencer woke to the sensation of warm soft hands on his face. He was lying on the sofa in Ally's living room with his head resting in her lap. She was stroking him gently._

_"I dreamt you were dead." Reid said looking up in big brown eyes._

_"I'm fine. I'm right here." She said leaning forward and kissing him. "Everything's going to be okay."_

_Reid felt something grasp at the cuff of his pants and sat up with a start. He looked down and saw that it was Sandra O' Connor. She clutched desperately at his leg mouthing soundlessly as blood spilled from the wound in her throat. Suddenly the couch disappeared and he felt other pairs of hands grasping at him pulling him towards the ground into a growing pool of blood. He fought desperately trying to free himself from their hands. Ally knelt beside him seemingly unaware of his struggle._

_"Everything's going to be okay." She said her hands leaving bloody prints on his face as she touched him "You're better off."_

"No!" Reid yelled as he snapped awake.

"Kid, it's okay. Relax. It's just me." Morgan said leaning forward in his chair.

"I was dreaming." Reid said panting slightly and looking about the room trying to bring himself back to reality. "What are you doing here?" He asked finally looking at Morgan. "I thought you guys would all be back in DC."

"I decided to hang around and make sure you got home alright." Morgan said with a shrug as if it were no big deal.

"Thanks, you didn't have to do that." Reid said.

"I know but I figured you'd get bored with nothing to do but watch soaps and you can't exactly cheat at cards if you have no one to play with." Morgan said with a smile as he pulled the dinner tray around and started dealing for gin.

"I don't cheat." Reid said with a laugh that quickly turned into a groan as he shifted sideways.

"Yeah, okay. You expect me to believe you don't count cards."

"That's not technically cheating." Reid said picking up his cards. They played for a while without saying much.

"You haven't opened the letter." Morgan said finally indicating the still unread letter on the bedside table.

"No." Reid said in a voice that indicated the subject was closed, then after a minute he changed his mind. "I'm tired of people thinking that a well written explanation makes up for selfish, cowardly decisions." He said his voice rising slightly.

"Reid, you know what happened wasn't your fault." Morgan said simply.

"Oh really, how did you work that out?" Reid asked harshly, knowing he was being unfair but not caring.

"Ally was hurt and damaged and she let that destroy her. We would never have been able to stop her from destroying other families if it hadn't been for you." Morgan said earnestly leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.

"How do you know that I'm not going to do the same thing? I'm not that different." Reid asked finally voicing the question that had been plaguing him for weeks.

"Because you're stronger than she was and you've got something she didn't have."

"What's that?" Reid asked.

"Us." Morgan said matter-of-factly. Reid tucked his hair behind his ear and cleared his throat awkwardly returning his attention to the cards in his hand.

"Gin." He said spreading them out on the tray. Morgan eyed them with mock suspicion.

"And you expect me to believe that you don't cheat." He said with a grin as he collected the cards and shuffled them.

"I miss her." Reid said after a moment.

"I know you do, kid." Morgan answered. Just then there was a gentle knock on the door. A nurse stepped into the room and checked the IV bag.

"I'm sorry sir but visiting hours are over." She said to Morgan. Morgan nodded getting up from his chair.

"Alright, I'll see you in the morning." He said to Reid as he collected his jacket. "Try and get some rest. We need that big brain of yours back at work as soon as possible."

"Goodnight." Reid answered. He sat in the empty room listening to the murmur of the television for a long time after Morgan left before he picked the letter up off of the bed side table, finally ready to try to make peace with an old friend.

"War is, at first, the hope that one will be better off; next, the expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's being worse off."-Karl Kraus 


End file.
